When self-care means letting my borderline win

I’m all about looking after myself, ensuring I can keep mind in a positive space and self-care is something, which I have had to work at consistently over the past year or two. I struggle with self-care sometimes but because I am aware of how hard it can be too look after my mental health at times I have worked hard to ensure there are little reminders around the place to help me when I need it most. Despite these reminders, despite working hard to keep positive and look after myself there are some days when my borderline and depression win.

Recently I had a rough day; there was no doubt in my mind that my depression had control. I was left feeling lonely, isolated, worthless and surrounded by negative thoughts of self-harm. Its days like this that people tell you that you need to look after yourself, focus on being positive and do the things that you need to in order to help get you through the day but the things that you need to do and the things that you do can often be very different. On days like this the main aim is to get through the day without self-harming, easier said than done! In order to get through the day without self-harming things like going for walks, meeting with friends, colouring, doing athletics or writing are the things which people encourage you to do and indeed are the things I know I should do but what it doing those things cause more anxiety and more negative feelings? What do you do then?

When it is a day when you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, when you have no energy or strength to get out of the bed and when all you want to do is surrender to the duvet and shut out the world how can I focus on self-care if, self care only contributes to these feelings. You see the mind is a funny thing and when you mix in a mental health issue it becomes so much more complicated. How cans the desire to loom after yourself make you feel worse? These are the days when BPD and depression well and truly win, they have the power and in order to try and regain some level of control I must fuel its energy.

Sometimes on days like this self-care is staying in bed, it is sleeping, doing the bare minimum in order to get through the day. Sometimes when my borderline has me well and truly hanging on through the emotional rollercoaster abandoning everything is what allows me to survive the day without self-harming. Sometimes in order to come out on top, to get ahead of the rest you have to give and take, so on the days when I know trying to actively beat my borderline and depression is only going to increase my frustration, encourage my self-harming behaviours and thoughts I will retreat to my bed, abandon everything and let my mental health issues win because in order to come out on top I have to accept that I cannot win every battle! So when self-care means staying in bed to avoid self-harming and letting my mental health issues win, that is what I will do because I know, I know that I will be the one coming out on top, fighting stronger than ever the next day!




Popular posts from this blog

A prisoner of my own mind

A while ago I wrote about a bump in the road that saw me take a step backwards…. That bump is still very much on the road and I am simply coasting along hoping the end is in sight somewhere. But when the end comes I have to ask, how long will it last for? How long will the good times last before we hit another bump? I don’t want this anymore, I no longer want the label I have attached to me, I don’t want borderline personality disorder. When I was first diagnosed I resisted my diagnoses, last year when I got unwell again and found myself re-entering the mental health services and engaging with the community mental health team I had to use every ounce of energy to truly accept my diagnosis and in many ways empower the label and allow it to help me understand myself. That label, which had a positive purpose no longer holds the same status, now it is simply something I do not want, something which has taken over my mind and body, it is something that I need gone, I need it to disappe
Read more

An unexpected week

Last week I went back to work and to say I was scared would be an understatement! On Sunday night I prepared myself as much as I could for what I anticipated to be one of the worst weeks I would experience in work. I expected to be riddled with anxiety to the point where I wouldn’t be able to go to work- I was not. I expected to feel pure panic as I drove to work each day, bordering on a full-blown panic attack- I did not. I expected to cry, each day over something minor, something small, something that wouldn’t have mattered- I did not. I expected to obsess over everything; put more rituals in place to ensure everything was perfect-I did not. I expected to hide the fact that I had been in hospital for my mental health, I expected to allow the shame I was feeling to take control, I expected to shy away from my colleagues during the week, I expected to fight this battle on my own, but I did not. It was a hard week in many ways, it was the first week back, I was sc
Read more

Shame

A week ago I found myself explaining to my therapist how I wanted to end my life, how I was so desperate for my mind to shut off and how I was ready to end it all, in that moment I felt distressed. A week ago I found myself ringing a close friend asking him to collect me from the local health centre because I had to go to hospital and couldn’t trust myself to be left alone, in that moment I felt ashamed. A week ago I found myself ringing my brother in law asking him to bring me to hospital, where I would need to go in order to stay alive, in that moment I felt guilty. A week ago I found myself ringing work to explain that I was being admitted to hospital for my own safety due to my mental health, in that moment I felt embarrassed. A week ago I found myself sitting on a mental health inpatient unit faced with colleagues from my work in pre hospital care working on the unit, in that moment I felt panic. A week ago I found myself fighting to keep myself alive, I found
Read more