Life after a suicide attempt
I have had a number
of suicide attempts since I was a teenager with my most recent only being a fewmonths ago. It’s a strange thing, when you feel that taking your life is the
only option. It’s a lonely feeling, feeling as if there is no one else around you
who can understand what you are feeling. And it is a scaring feeling when you
realize for whatever reason that your attempt has not been successful.
Why is it scary?
Well depending on your method you think what could the long term damage, if
any, be. I know that might not seem like something that could cross your mind
but for me, particularly after the most recent attempt it was an issue that
created a large amount of fear among other emotions. But it’s scary for other
reasons too. Your scared of how people will react, how you will go about
getting on with your life, will you try it again? When it doesn’t work your
scared, how will I be able to live when I can’t think, feel, or function
normally? Did I really want to die? What happens next? But sometimes too you
may feel hopeful, hopeful that this attempt will get you the help and support
that you so desperately desire and need.
Life after a suicide
attempt isn’t easy. People are not always sure about what they can do to help
you, how they can support you, and often they find themselves treating you
differently although that may not be their intention. Sometimes after a suicide
attempt people expect you to go back to your life, doing what you did before
and pretend that nothing ever happened but it doesn’t always work that way.
There are some things that people, in order to be able to help you, need to
know after a suicide attempt and these things are:
Going back to
everyday life is hard.
Its not easy to get
up and get back into your routine after a suicide attempt after all I wasn’t
planning on being here to do that so it takes extra energy, strength and
support to ease yourself back into a routine. Its an overwhelming time, full of
emotions, and in order to help someone you need to be patient, you cannot
expect everything to just go back to “normal” and even if things do go back to
“normal” that doesn’t mean you are support the person experiencing a crisis
because what is normal for you may be hell for them.
Recovery.
You want me to
recover and so do I but that doesn’t mean it is going to be simple and quick.
Recovery takes time and it has its ups and downs. It is a journey that needs
time; it’s a journey that requires you to take a few wrong turns in order to
find the right path. It is a process and although it might not be apparent I do
desperately cling to the idea that there is some hope, some possibility that I
can and will recover. But most of all I need you to know that I need you to
help me recognize and claim the small victories, getting out of bed on a bad
day, going for a walk, just making it through the day is essential for
recovering.
I care.
I know you will feel
that I don’t care; you will think if you cared about me you wouldn’t leave me,
am I right? But the fact is that it is because I care about you so much I
couldn’t stand to watch you see me hurting. I couldn’t face being the reason
for your sadness. It is because I care so much that I hope you will have a
better life without me, without me as a burden, weighing you down preventing you
from doing things. Anything I have ever done was not to hurt you but to stop
hurting me and to prevent me from hurting you. I thought I was protecting you,
solving the problem and giving you your life back. I didn’t do it because I
didn’t care; in my mind this was my way of showing that I care.
It’s not your fault.
Your going to ask
yourself is this because of me? Did I do something to make her want to die? To
make her try and take her own life and the answer is no, this is not your
fault. In order for me to recover, to cling onto that little bit of hope I have
left I need you to stop blaming yourself, I need you to know that you are not
the reason for my actions nor is it your responsibility to “fix” me. It was my
decision, my choice, the only choice I felt I had left. It was not your fault
and you need to believe me.
I need you.
There will be times
when I wont want to talk to you, I will push you away and tell you I hate you
but the truth is I need you because without you I wont be able to recover, I wont
be able to come out the other side and I wont be able to live, to be happy, to
feel positive emotions. It will be hard because I wont let you in, I will shut
you out, screen your calls, slam doors in your face, and call you every name
under the sun but I need you. I need you to stick by me, I need you to know
that with you by my side I will be able to come out the other side because if I
loose you what else do I have to live for?
Suicide is a scary
thing not just for you but also for the person who attempted it. Life after a
suicide attempt requires time and patience but must of all some love and care.
In order to recover, and I do believe recovery is possible, we will need each
other, to walk hand in hand and to come out the other side!