Relapse
Over a month ago I wrote about how I had
managed a full year without self-harm. An entire year despite some challenging
times but I managed a whole year without self-harm and I was over the moon!
Proud of myself, glad I finally felt like I was making real progress and I was
ready to continue on with my life free from self-harm. About a week or so after
that post things took quiet a turn.
My mood dipped, my sleep became disturbed
my appetite was disappearing and I was finding it increasing difficult to
manage my constant changing emotions and soon I found myself battling with the urges
to self-harm once again. It was almost
as it had just creeped up on me, I almost didn’t notice this relapse taking over;
depression had engulfed me in a matter of days.
Simple tasks become a struggle, going to college,
scouts, athletics the youth café and even work became a struggle and the
enjoyment I got from these activities soon decreased and they simply became the
things I had to do to make people think I was ok, that I was holding it all
together, that there was nothing wrong. But just like this relapse running
through the motions of life soon became very tiring and I broke, entering back
into the negative cycle of self-harm.
Like many times before it started out with
just one act, just one simple act to get relief but it progressed and it
progressed to a stage where I could no longer hide it. I was dying on the
inside, feeling confused, lost, broken, hurt, angry and sad. I felt there was
no hope, no future and no point in life but it was then that I somehow managed
to find the strength I needed to open up and so I went to the doctor who
immediately started me back on my anti-depressant medication followed with a
referral back to adult services and daily appointments with her to keep an eye
on things.
It took a while and things continued to go
downhill and to go down hill fast! I was self-harming at an alarming rate but
somehow managed to keep myself out of hospital. I was on medication, seeing
doctors, waiting for referrals to take place and I just felt like I had entered
back into a world in which I didn’t not want to be in. I was once again face to
face with my illness, I was again battling with my borderline personality
disorder trying so desperately to be the bigger person, to come out on top, to
put it back in its place but I didn’t have the strength, I didn’t have the
energy and I didn’t have the power to keep fighting. I felt defeated, isolated,
scared and lonely. I wanted to give up, I wanted to find a way out, but the
only way out was up and so I let people in. I told my family, I told some close
friends and I got the support I needed.
I’m not quiet back on top just yet but I’m
on my way. I’m attending regular appointments with a doctor along with regular appointments
with the adult mental health services. I’m exploring some of my DBT techniques
again and I’m talking to those around me who are providing guidance and
support. I challenged this before and I’ve come out the other end so I know I
can do it, I know I can get back on top but it doesn’t happen over night and
that is important to remember. It will take time and I must be patient but I
will get back on top and self-harm will become a memory once more rather than a
reality.
I’m trying so hard to focus on being nice
to myself, to look after myself, to smile as much as I can and to remember that
I have the power to change things but it is hard. I look around me and I see so
many people who appear to be happy, who appear to smile just like me and I want
to be able to smile just like them, to be happy but the reality is I have no
idea if they really are happy. We live in a society while although it is
changing there is still a stigma attached to mental health, one that prevents
people from asking for help and this needs to change. I know its ok not to be
ok and I know its ok to ask for help but when you live in a society in which
you are looked at different for asking for help it discourages you from doing
so.
If I had caught the sign of my relapse
earlier I might not have gone back to old ways of coping but if there was no
stigma surrounding mental health I might have spoken out sooner the very first
time I starting experiencing mental health issues and indeed at this relapse.
People don’t understand the effect stigma
can have on a person, the shame associated with having mental health issues
because of it, the fear of judgment and ridicule and the sense of not being ‘normal’
or fitting in. nobody is immune to mental health issues and for that reason it
is everybody’s responsibility to tackle this stigma! I’m slowly on my way back
up, slowly but surely I will be back on top my borderline personality disorder
and I will be back to my old self, but It will take time and so too will
breaking down mental health stigma.