Display or Disguise?
As someone who used to engage in self-harming behaviour I am
now left with marks all over my body, marks which will remain on my body for
the rest of my life. These marks were once something which I looked forward to
seeing, something which I felt I needed in order to get through the day and
something which I wanted but now, now this is not the case and these marks are for life.
I try very hard not to let my past define but it is hard,
how can I not let it define me when the pain and suffering which I experienced
is written all over my body in the form of scars? Lines from my knees to my
hips, from my stomach to my chest and from my wrists to my shoulders. Lines
which symbolise a time in my life where I experienced nothing but pain, I
struggled to see the good in each day and a time when I was ready to take my
own life in the hope of finding some peace and removing myself as a burden to
my family.
These lines aren’t just any lines, it’s clear they are scars
and it is clear that they are scars from self-harming, I can’t hide that fact,
it is obvious what they are! But I’m letting them control me, I am letting my
past keep me from moving on. For fear of being judged and ridiculed I hide my
scars as much as possible but I can’t hide them for the rest of my life. Yeah
from time to time I will wear a t-shirt without long sleeves, when I’m
competing in athletics I will wear my singlet without sleeves and if I am too
warm I may roll up my sleeves or take off my jumper but then things get
awkward. Then people begin to stare and it is clear what they are
staring at. I try hard not to let it get to me but it is hard, very hard.
What’s even harder than dealing with judging me and staring at me is knowing when
it is ok to not cover my scars. I
question wheatear its ok for children to see my scars, it is ok for me to
expose young people to self-harm so early in life, even if they are not aware
of what the scars are from? And is it ok
that I am lying to them when they ask what they are should they see them?
When I volunteer with an organisation and even in my job I
am usually open and honest about my previous self-harming behaviour and two out
of the three organisations I volunteer with have told me not to tell anybody
who asks that it was self-harm. Is this right? I know that really young
children will not understand self-harm and for my own benefit more than theirs
I usually make up a story nut for older children, for young people, for people
who know what it’s from should I really avoid using the term self-harm? Should I
make up a story? It’s like I’m being forced to be ashamed of my past, like it’s
something to be hidden and if I continue to hide it am I not feeding into the
stigma surrounding mental health? And it’s more than just being ashamed or
feeding into the stigma it’s the lying about what my scars are from. I spent most
of my teenage years hiding my scars and cuts and lying about my self-harm and I
don’t want to go back to those old habits and again it goes beyond that, it’s
the trust I have built up with young people and to lie straight to their face,
what kind of youth worker does that make me?
I still have a long way to go in fully accepting my scars
but being told not to admit to what has caused my scars limits me that bit more
from accepting them. I understand the damaging effects a person seeing scars
like mine can have should they be experiencing self-harm but when I look at
myself, when I move beyond all my scars and really look deep down I see what I have
accomplished, how far I’ve come and I see that I didn’t let my mental illness
and self-harming destroy my life completely and I see that I gained back
control. Sometimes I feel if a young person can see I came out the other side
then it’s worth not covering my scars, even if it only gives them a glimpse of
hope that things can and really do get better.