Missing someone you love.


Missing someone you love can occur for many reasons. It may occur due to death, separation, divorce and so much more but in my case and in this blog post today I am going to talk about missing someone you love as a result of death. I have talked a lot about the death of my mam on my blog and this was a huge part of my childhood but I also lost another figure in my life who was more than just a granddad to me, he was a friend, he was my best friend.


Not a day goes by where I don’t think of my granddad. I have always had a close relationship with my granddad but after my mam died we grew closer. I have built up a lifetime of memories with my granddad and they are the most precious things to me, nobody will ever be able to take them away from me and well I guess I want to share them with the people who read my blog. I find it hard to talk about my granddad sometimes but never  to blog about him, it just flows out of me like a river flows downhill.

I always have my granddad with me; after he died I was given his hat... to most people that would mean nothing but to me it means everything. My granddad had a panama jack hat and he wore it everywhere. When he would come up to our house on Wednesdays or any other days I would always take his hat and hide it or I would wear it around the house. It was our little thing.... It was that hat that it brought the two of us close... to me that hat symbolises my granddad. It’s like when my mam died I was given her first ever teddy bear to most people it would just be an old tatty ripped teddy but to me it symbolises my mam.I will never forget how my granddad would smile and say “I bet you didn’t know I could do that” when he would surprise you with something that he did. Sure the week before he died that’s what he said to us after he bet me in a game of pool.

He would wear my hat too :)

I had many names for my granddad and he had many names for me. I was his shove-over, his vampire and his whippersnapper. He was my gaga, my jellyfish and my grumpy. He meant the world to me and helped to fill a hole that was left after my mam died but after he died a bigger hole in my life was created. I miss my granddad and always will but I will never forget all of the amazing times that we shared together. 




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A prisoner of my own mind

A while ago I wrote about a bump in the road that saw me take a step backwards…. That bump is still very much on the road and I am simply coasting along hoping the end is in sight somewhere. But when the end comes I have to ask, how long will it last for? How long will the good times last before we hit another bump? I don’t want this anymore, I no longer want the label I have attached to me, I don’t want borderline personality disorder. When I was first diagnosed I resisted my diagnoses, last year when I got unwell again and found myself re-entering the mental health services and engaging with the community mental health team I had to use every ounce of energy to truly accept my diagnosis and in many ways empower the label and allow it to help me understand myself. That label, which had a positive purpose no longer holds the same status, now it is simply something I do not want, something which has taken over my mind and body, it is something that I need gone, I need it to disappe
Read more

An unexpected week

Last week I went back to work and to say I was scared would be an understatement! On Sunday night I prepared myself as much as I could for what I anticipated to be one of the worst weeks I would experience in work. I expected to be riddled with anxiety to the point where I wouldn’t be able to go to work- I was not. I expected to feel pure panic as I drove to work each day, bordering on a full-blown panic attack- I did not. I expected to cry, each day over something minor, something small, something that wouldn’t have mattered- I did not. I expected to obsess over everything; put more rituals in place to ensure everything was perfect-I did not. I expected to hide the fact that I had been in hospital for my mental health, I expected to allow the shame I was feeling to take control, I expected to shy away from my colleagues during the week, I expected to fight this battle on my own, but I did not. It was a hard week in many ways, it was the first week back, I was sc
Read more

Shame

A week ago I found myself explaining to my therapist how I wanted to end my life, how I was so desperate for my mind to shut off and how I was ready to end it all, in that moment I felt distressed. A week ago I found myself ringing a close friend asking him to collect me from the local health centre because I had to go to hospital and couldn’t trust myself to be left alone, in that moment I felt ashamed. A week ago I found myself ringing my brother in law asking him to bring me to hospital, where I would need to go in order to stay alive, in that moment I felt guilty. A week ago I found myself ringing work to explain that I was being admitted to hospital for my own safety due to my mental health, in that moment I felt embarrassed. A week ago I found myself sitting on a mental health inpatient unit faced with colleagues from my work in pre hospital care working on the unit, in that moment I felt panic. A week ago I found myself fighting to keep myself alive, I found
Read more